Day 16

I got this image off of Google and added the text. Its what I feel sometimes.

I want to get back in the frame of mind to work out and loose weight. But how do I do that. I know some people will say just do it. And so I do, I start up and it looks like I will keep it up - but then I get DERAILED. I lost a lot of weight around two years ago. About 100 pounds. I was working out and eating right. And now I have gained most of it back.

Mentally I want to be there, physically I need to be there.

I wrote this entry three days ago. I planned on posting it three days ago. But stuff happens. Anyway, I have given myself a goal. December 10, 2005. That will be my Independence Day. They day I get my act together and start working out and eating right. I don't plan on setting any numerical goals of weight loss. The only goal I set is just getting up off my fat butt and doing something about my image.

Day 15

Gossip, Gossip, Gossip, Gossip, Gossip, Gossip, Gossip, Gossip!

I have no gossip. But I just found out that my extended family is still gossiping about me and that they think that I am living over here in Dallas, just working as a Bouncer. That I am not going to school or bettering myself in anyway. I sometimes find it funny that I used to be insignificant to them. But now I found out that I am still a topic. I think mainly because my immediate family doesn't gossip to my extended family and when they get a bit of info, they run with it. I have so many examples of how fast a bit of info can spread throughout my extended family. But that's for a later date.

I could burn a lot of my family members with info I have been given, but I don't. Because I don't want to lower myself to their level.

I think the cartoon that I pulled off of Google illustrates how my extended family is. If the caption is hard to read it says:

"You call it GOSSIP - I call it obeying the Bible where we are commanded to tell what we have seen and heard!"

Day 14

I found out some tragic news this weekend. My great Aunt passed away and as well I knew Officer Jackson, who was shot and killed Sunday morning.

Here is an e-mail I sent to the russmartin show, I wanted to share it with everyone.

"I got to meet Officer Jackson on a few occasions, I work as a bouncer
on lower Greenville. Officer Jackson was a great and kind man. He is
what the bouncers and I thought of as a Super Cop. We actually got to
see him on Friday and a few of us got to talk with him. It was a shock
to us all when we found out Sunday of his passing. When you saw
Officer Jackson on lower Greenville you felt safe. All of our prayers
go out to his family, friends and fellow officers. We on lower
Greenville will certainly miss our dear friend.

With great sadness-
Russell"

I wish I had gotten to know Officer Jackson more. He had lived in Dallas five years such as I and he was also 28. I lost a childhood friend last year from a similar situation. I miss him and I will miss Officer Jackson as well.

The Officer Down Memorial Page

O.D.M.P.

Day 13

Well I recently have found out that keeping things bottled up doesn't work for me. I thought it did, well at least it used to. I had an opening up session with my best friend/roommate. I let a few things leek out of this huge damn of emotions that I have created for myself.

I did feel a little better and not so frustrated. Don't get me wrong its not all of him, which is the reason for the damn. Its that I don't know how to share my problems, the ones I have entirely. The problems I face with society, family, money, relationship, religion.

There is this image that was created for me and by me a long time ago. That Russell was carefree and always a pleasure to be around (for the most part). And I guess I have just kept that image or have tried to keep it up. Shutting people out of my life. God would I give to just tell everyone all the stuff I have been holding back. But if I did it all at once - no more friends. Even if I did it piece by piece, I am not sure they could stand it.

So, what do I do? I create a blog and see if I can pour out my emotions on it. I have been thinking about this, to create a blog for myself. Not tell anyone and all the frustrates and other emotions would be all laid out. Now if someone I know stumbles across it, so be it. But it won't be with an identity they would ordinarily know me by.

It also might be a fun game for myself at least, to maybe give hints in this blog to where my other blog is. I don't know, I am not much for mind games.

A friend of mine's father called me today or technically yesterday, because he was concerned about me. His daughter told him that I was being reclusive, because of all the events going on in my life. We had a nice chat, I didn't expect it which was nice and a surprise in and of its own. He told me that if I ever need to talk, that he is here for me. And I may just take him up on his offer. He is a man that I respect, he is forthright, which is hard to come by these days.

Anyway, things are settling down. Still a little chaos, but with out chaos how do we know we are alive.

Day 12.1

This is a very inspiring blog, if any reads my blog...go to this one and check out the archives as well...

http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

Post a Secret

Day 12

I guess bad news does come in threes...Because I just got more info in threes....My cousin is getting a divorce, my parent's neighbor past away and my aunt (mom's sister) is in the hospital.

This has been a whirlwind of a week for my family.

They decided to keep my father in the hospital longer to run more tests. He should be getting out today or tomorrow.

My cousin Charles' funeral was today.

I want to discuss dreams, but in light of all this info I will just wait till another day.

Day 11

Is it bad news that comes in threes...?

I just found out 10 minutes ago, that my father was admitted to the ER. I was told no need to come home, because they are just gong to monitor him. But still I imagine he would like me there. I may go in tomorrow, if he isn't better.

The family is going to be spread thin this week, maybe this month. With all that's going on.

Day 10

Well my family got another another bout of bad news today. A cousin of mine past away. I feel distant from it, but I know if I was back home I would not be disconnected from it. Actually just thinking about it brings me to think about his children. I used to watch them was I was in high school. I got pretty close to them. But then I went off and did the whole college thing and we grew apart.

They are certainly in my thoughts, and I wish I could be there for them. A big part of me wants to miss work and go to the funeral. I still just might, I am not sure yet. Once I find out more from my family on the plans, I will know.

He was a beloved man, he had a great personality. He made you feel comfortable. He was a great friend, father and husband. And he will be surely missed. His name was Charles.

I plan on writing a letter to his family if I am unable to attend the funeral.

Day 9.1

Well there was some bad news in my family today, but I will not discuss it our of respect for my family. There will be nothing else said for today.

Day 9

Do you ever feel that when you think you have a grasp on something, that life throws you a curve ball?

On a different note...The world is ending July 6th 2011...Thought I would let ya know.